Blog

Katy Clark (of the Seattle Mountaineers) assembles favorite top ten trip reports each month for the Seattle Mountaineers. Mine about a solo Union Bay trip with multiple shots of raccoons caught her eye.

In her summary post, she opened with a passage from Rebecca Solnit’s A Field Guide to Getting Lost: “Leave the door open for the unknown, the door into the dark. That’s where the most important things come from, where you yourself came from, and where you will go.”

Her reflection on the passage caught my eye: “Perhaps that is part of what Solnit means by leaving the door open: not wandering aimlessly, but allowing enough room for the unexpected to find its way in. The “dark” leaves room for surprise, delight, and wonder we never could have planned for ourselves, letting the experience have some influence in what happens next.”

I share one of those “dark” moments from yesterday and how it led me back to my stronger self.

Dog Tag Found

Yesterday, as part of a ten-day “clutter busting” challenge, I spent a few minutes de-cluttering the entryway, including our keys holder by the door. I got rid of an old mirror I used to use when walking with Brooke on my back 21 years ago – a tool to detect whether she was sleeping or awake. Out went the crepe streamers from a past birthday. A key to God only knows what. And then, I dropped to my knees in anguish.

A-J-A-X spelled out on a collar tag shaped like a bone.

So THAT’S where it’s been hiding, I thought as I sobbed.

What Helps Recovery

For minutes after, my heart ached just as badly as five months ago. Just that morning, I’d moved his memorial items from the kitchen to the guest room, a knee-jerk reaction to my smaller ego voice insisting, “It’s been five months. Move on.” Fortunately, the house was empty – a rarity these days — so I could let go of the anguish in private.

Then, oddly – or maybe not so odd after all — I felt the urge to be out in the front yard where we said our last good-byes. I swept the driveway of fallen leaves and pinecones, took in the earthy scent, the October sunbeams on my skin, the feel of the swishing broom collecting, cleaning, refreshing, as though I was trying to purge something from my past.

New tears as I realized it may still be too soon. But I was willing to try. August taught me that I find unique ways to carry Little Man forward. He’ll never be forgotten. I immediately attached his name tag to my keychain so I always carry what’s left of him with me.

But I need to put more effort into returning to those who remain: my family.

Joyspan by Dr. Kerry Burnight

After working in the yard for an hour, I met with a client online and then hopped onto a spiritual coaching call — for all of two minutes. The topic didn’t hold my attention and in my vulnerable, raw state I didn’t want to risk sharing tears with 19 other people. Instead, I grabbed a book on my shelf, Joyspan, by Dr. Kerry Burnight. And by the time I finished her brief inventory to see where I might need more attention, I could see I need additional work on “connections” and “resilience”.

That evening, with our daughter away working, I invited my husband to watch an educational segment on Falls Resilience training. When our attention lagged, we played a few games of Nuts, our favorite family card game. By extension, we connected through natural conversation, agreeing on an intention for our family vacation the following week. “The darkness” of finding Ajax’s name tag led me to spend some precious time deepening my “resilience” and “connections” practices. For they are PRACTICES, skills we can grow with attention and effort.

Stepping Forward Again

While carrying Ajax’s memory forward brings me comfort, there’s still anguish. Can anguish fit beside “joy”? By moving his memorial items to another part of the house less visited, was that a conscious shift on my part to say, “I’m willing to rejoin the present?” I don’t know. But the catharsis of being outdoors, letting go of toxins and tears, and recognizing that I have a choice helped me to move forward.

This morning I’m looking forward to a hike on Saturday with a friend, a gala Saturday evening with family and friends, and a CHS (Conditoning Hiking Series) class reunion Sunday evenin. Of the 55 people registered, I’ve hiked with almost all of them at least once over the summer. Next week, I’ll be with extended family in Asheville. With “connection” and “resilience” as my focus, I’ll be trying to glean from others how they navigate loss and change. We all experience it at some point.

After five grief-filled months, I’m willing to entertain the idea that the best is yet to come and our lives are what we make of it. I’m willing to pursue Joyspan while still carrying – and learning from — deep grief. The grief may be here to stay. I’ll never get Ajax back. But I can learn from this and other experiences and keep stepping forward.

I’m no longer willing to give up the pursuit of joy. Ajax would have wanted that for his favorite person.

Upcoming Fall Seminars

If you’re interested in learning more in depth on leadership, conditioning, and change topics, join us. We’re pleased to announce our fall course lineup below. Asterisked are in the Mountaineers’ Outdoor Leadership series, the others are our Body Results’ peak performance and conditioning series through the Mountaineers at the clubhouse, except December 17 which is online and open to all. Contact the Seattle Mountaineers for more information or click on the registration links below. Member and non-member prices available.

October 28, 630-830 p.m. In Person Increase Your Hiking Speed

*November 10, Online Power of Giving Back: Where Leadership Meets Stewardship

November 12, 630-830 p.m. In Person Age is Just a Number

*November 17, Online with the Colorado Mountain Club, Power of Giving Back: Where Leadership Meets Stewardship

December 3, 630-830 p.m. In Person Improve Your Balance

*December 5, North Sound Leadership Conference “Leader’s Inner Game: Managing Your Own State.“

December 17, 630-830 p.m. ONLINE Optimize Your Hiking Experience

I also continue to lead “Tuesdays with Court” Mountaineers adventures and birding trips once a month on Thursdays, along with my new pilot, “Walk and Talk, Care and Share” for anyone navigating loss or grief of any kind. Once a month on Thursdays. I’d love to have you join us for any of these or future adventures or talks in 2027. And if you have a presentation idea you’re dying to see us offer, send them our way.